They are already in your congregation
Statistically, in any congregation of meaningful size, there are people who experience same-sex attraction. Many of them have never told anyone. They have watched how their church talks about sexuality — from the pulpit, in small groups, in passing comments — and concluded that there is no safe place for honesty. They remain, faithful and invisible, carrying something they have learned to hide.
As a pastor, the single most important thing you can do is create conditions under which they might eventually feel safe enough to speak. This does not require a specialised programme or a formal policy. It begins with the tone you set — in your preaching, in your pastoral conversations, in the culture of your leadership team.
What not to say
Before we discuss what to say, it is worth naming some common responses that, however well-intentioned, tend to close conversations down rather than open them up.
Avoid the implication that same-sex attraction is the result of a specific sin, trauma, or failure — either the person's own or their parents'. The causes of sexual attraction are complex and not well understood, and this kind of speculation adds shame without adding help. Similarly, avoid suggesting that faithful prayer or sufficient sanctification will necessarily result in a change of attraction. Some people experience change; many do not. Promising what you cannot deliver is both pastorally irresponsible and theologically overreaching.
Do not respond to disclosure with an immediate referral to a counsellor or a list of resources. Before anything else, the person in front of you needs to know that you are glad they told you, that you are not alarmed, and that you are not going anywhere. Resources come later. Presence comes first.
Listening well
When someone discloses same-sex attraction to you, your primary task is to listen. Ask questions that open rather than close: What has this been like for you? How long have you been carrying this? What do you believe about it? What are you hoping for from this conversation?
Resist the urge to move quickly to the theological framework. The person is not primarily presenting a doctrinal problem; they are trusting you with something deeply personal. Honour that trust by staying with them in the experience before you move to the application.
Listen also for what they are not saying. SSA Christians often carry a great deal of grief — for relationships they will not have, for futures they have had to reimagine, for the years spent in isolation. That grief deserves to be acknowledged directly, not immediately redirected toward hope.
Ongoing pastoral care
A single conversation is not pastoral care. If someone has trusted you with this part of their life, they need ongoing relationship — regular check-ins, genuine interest in how they are doing, and the kind of attentiveness that notices when something has shifted.
Think practically about their life in your community. Are they embedded in meaningful relationships? Do they have people who know them well and walk with them closely? Loneliness is one of the greatest pastoral risks for SSA Christians, and it requires structural responses, not just spiritual ones. Consider how you can help them build the kind of community that makes a celibate life genuinely liveable.
Also consider your own limitations. You are a pastor, not a specialist. For some people, working with a counsellor who understands both faith and sexuality will be genuinely helpful alongside your pastoral relationship. Reclaim Ministries offers peer support groups and can connect people with appropriate resources — do not hesitate to reach out.
Preaching and culture
Beyond individual pastoral care, consider the broader culture your preaching and teaching creates. When you preach on sexuality, do you acknowledge that some of your congregation may experience same-sex attraction? A simple acknowledgment — "some of you may find this territory particularly personal" — signals that you know they exist and that you have thought about them.
When you preach on singleness, do you present it as a genuine and honourable vocation, or as a waiting room? When you preach on community, do you describe a kind of belonging that is actually available to someone who is not married? These are not small questions. They shape the atmosphere of your congregation, and they determine whether the invisible people in your pews ever feel safe enough to become visible.